in which I cut the bullsh*t

Last week I saw a psychiatrist. He told me that I am in the midst of a severe major depression. He gave me a couple of prescriptions and a referral for a therapist.

Depression isn't something that's new to me - I've struggled with it before. And I didn't need a doctor to tell me that I'm depressed, but I need a doctor to help me get better.

To be clear, I'm not unhappy. And yes, there's a difference. I have wonderful children (my own, and my "bonus kids") whom I love very much; an amazing man in my life; a supportive family; and wonderful friends. I'm smart and accomplished and exceedingly capable, and I'm confident in most aspects of myself.

The problem is that I've spent the better part of two years carrying an immense weight. And I haven't talked about it. I've shut out the people I love instead of asking them for help, because that's something I don't really know how to do. I've glossed over the fact that I haven't really made much progress in any area of my life for a while, and have been in pretty serious denial about what's been going on with me.

I need to unload a lot of the bullshit I've been carrying around: the remnants of an incredibly unhealthy marriage, some destructive behavior patterns, tendencies toward self-medication, and the scars of too many years in which I bled just to remember I was alive.

In the last week, I've started therapy, started medicine, and started waking up at 6:30 every morning, rubbing my eyes, getting some coffee, and trying to do the work. I've almost lost someone I love because I wasn't capable of talking about what was going on with me, and I spent my son's birthday listening to Leona Lewis and crying silent tears while wrapping his presents before I picked him up from school.

It's time to get better.

And I guess I just wanted to be honest with you guys, to remind you that things are not always what they seem; and if you've ever felt like you were just exquisitely fucked up, I just wanted to say . . . Yeah. Me too.

ps, thank you all so much for your wonderful emails, texts, voicemails, and support. you rock. hard.

Comments

[IndianRed]

Oh love...I am praying that you find the help and strength you need. Good for you for recognizing that you need help and for taking the steps to get it. Hugs and kisses : )

[distracted spunk]

It's funny. It wasn't until after I started seeing a therapist that I finally began to feel normal again. I hope you find peace soon. It's so unnerving to be happy and depressed simultaneously.

[brookem]

Thinking of you my friend. You have about a gazillion things going for you, and I know that you are going to pull through this.

xo

[Dutchess of Kickball]

I understand. And I know it's so cliche, but you know too, that admitting that something isn't right really is the first step.

[Kate]

What a brave post. I know you will get through it. As someone who went through a rough road myself, I know that admitting you need help is the first step. Lots of love and luck!

[Margarita]

To reiterate what others have said, realizing you need outside help is really the first step. We're thinking of you. Good luck and ::Hugs::

[DG]

THIS is why I love you - I love the honesty that sometimes, we're not all sunshine and roses. You will get through this as you have before, as I have before, as so many others have too... Know that we're here for you and cheers to making some positive changes. xoxoxo

[Ally]

Hey friend,

I am sorry that you're struggling with depression but so relieved that you're getting the help you need. There's such power in sharing your difficulties and just admitting imperfection, and I am proud of you for writing this and for dealing with things that must be painful.

Praying for you,

Allison

p.s. One of the lines of your post reminds me of NIN's "Hurt" lyrics.

[Trigger]

I've been there, the depression and crying to yourself all day. It sucks. It takes a strong women to do, and realize, all the things you've listed above. I send you hugs & wish you the best luck with the start of this journey.

[egan]

Bon courage! You'll do well based on what you shared here. Knowing you're not alone with these feelings is huge. Best of luck to you.

[Miriam]

You rock my world for recognizing that something is wrong and taking the steps to fix it! :) I hope you're crazy successful! :)

[Michelle & the City]

i'm so glad to hear you're making a difference in your life, that is definitely a GOOD thing. you know where to find me if you ever need to vent. you will find your inner peace. i'm sure of it :)

and me? iz majorly f*ed up too. ;)

[Ashley]

I really admire you opening up about an issue that is probably painful for you to talk about on such a public forum. I'm glad you are getting the help you need, plus getting things off your chest is always healthy. :) Many hugs!

[La]

I'm so glad you're (mostly) ok. I was really worried about you. And? We've all been there. Most of us, anyway. I was in a pretty depressive anxiety spiral for most of the past six years, and medication (and getting rid of a cheating fiance, who knew?!) absolutely saved my life. You know where to find me if you need to talk. Hugs galore, my dear. You'll get through it. Promise.

xoxox

[nicoleantoinette]

I understand this in ways I won't trivialize in a comment box. I'm glad you're getting the help you need.

[Molly]

I am so honored you opened up to us about this. It takes a strong person to break through the bullshit and make a change and you, my dear, are a strong person. Even when you fall.

I love you dearly and think you are amazing.

xoxo

[drbolte]

i just am so glad that you are back. i was worried...and not above stalking your site every once a few minutes to see if you were back because a tortious not posting is a not good thing.

way to go, stepping up and facing everything. it's all very scary when it's boxed up in the back of the proverbial closet. when nobody talks about it, it grows and grows and grows until it's almost overwhelming. your courage in taking it on is extraordinary, and i admire you for it. not many people can.

hugs and hearts and cybersupport. for reals.

<3

[Passionista]

Same thing happened to my close friend very recently. Of course, it's not over, but she did seek help and sees both a psychologist and psychiatrist. And she is on meds. The best thing you could have done was admit you need help, and that's ok.

[Kate]

Thank you for sharing. So kindergarten, but so true.

You will get through this. I tried therapy once for a middle-sized depression, but the counselor pissed me off (seriously- lady was useless) and I never really went back to deal with those things. You get through it at times, but it creeps back again, so I am so impressed that you are doing something real about it. And also sharing it with all of us. So many of us feel exquisitely fucked up at times, and seeing all the seriously stupendously awesome others out there who deal with crap too can only make it better.

HUGS

[Ashley]

Oh hunnie....I really do understand. I wish I didn't....but I do. If anyone can get through this, it's you. xoxo

No one is perfect. No matter which foot they put forward. You are an amazing woman who has come to this great crossroads in her life. I hope for everything good in your life and all the good you deserve you are able to work through it. I know you have it in you. It's time to love yourself a little more. ((hugs))

[Nilsa S.]

I posted that. Without a name. I didn't mean to be anonymous. Sorry!

[katelin]

i seriously heart you. i hope you find the strength you need and get the support you deserve, we're all here for you :)

[Abbie]

That last line, couldn't have said it better myself. I tell you what though, it's absolutely GREAT to have someone in your life who loves you regardless. (and your blog buddies of course)
You are great and it will get better. K.

Take Care babe.

[pie]

I will be emailing you in a second. but you my dear? You are loved. More than you know. Please don't ever forget it. Oh and Leona, me and her had a good cry last week too.