between how it is and how it should be

So yesterday I had a hot date:

See?

We saw The Marriage of Figaro at the Atlanta Opera, and McD totally neglected to mention that he'd gotten front row center orchestra seats. Yes, he is a rock star that way. Seriously, I could've reached over and patted the conductor on his fuzzy little head. (Not to worry, I didn't.) Anyway, the seats were totally champ, although had I known, I would've opted for less of a boob dress, seeing as I was providing the first violin with a killer view of my black lace bra for 3.5 hours. (And seriously, he was totally looking. And if someone told you I did racy things with the cherry from my cocktail after the second intermission while he stared uncomfortably with his mouth wide open, I'd likely deny it.)

At any rate, four drinks later I made The Boyfriend seriously mad during dinner (because apparently the champagne is no good for my already lacking verbal restraint), and thusly earned myself a completely silent couple of hours commencing just after the appetizer and ending sometime late last night in the kitchen. I'm such an awesome date. Really.

And I can understand why my less than gentle remarks didn't quite go over so well. But what really sucks is that the whole thing came from my own insecurities - not anything he did wrong, but just me questioning myself, the relationship, and how he feels about it. Normally not an issue but there again, when you add vino and bubbly to my serious lack of an inner monologue, God knows what you'll end up with.

So now I'm slightly hungover and asking myself all sorts of ridiculous questions that people in healthy, happy, functional relationships are not supposed to be asking themselves; and then wondering what he's thinking; and then contemplating the value of make-up sex; and concluding that I'm probably going to end up a bitter, lonely old maid with too many cats and lots of Lifetime television on DVR. And I'll come home from the prosecutor's office at night to an empty one-bedroom apartment and eat a Lean Cuisine and a piece of Sara Lee chocolate cake and probably spend my free time in sweatpants and Notre Dame t-shirts reading my horoscope and meddling in the happy love lives of my well-adjusted friends.

Seriously, I actually really am way emo over the whole thing, but I choose to make fun of myself and spare you guys the gypsy violins.  I'm fairly sure my significant other is pondering ways to break up with me on his way into the office. At any rate, I'ma go sit on the porch with a cup of coffee, and YES, a cigarette too; and listen to Switchfoot and feel sorry for myself before I get back to researching evidentiary burdens.

ps: happy, happy birthday to my three awesome friends who celebrated another trip around the sun yesterday. sorry I didn't tell you on your actual b-day, but as you can read above, I was tres busy seeing an opera, getting wasted, and screwing up my relationship. mazel f-ing tov. i heart you.

Comments

[Each]

Poo.
You buy me my first cat if I buy you yours?

Deal? deal.

[Molly]

Damn that bubbly. It always causes trouble.

[Miriam]

I think it's natural for us to voice our insecurities after a few drinks. That little demon never goes away. Damnit.

[DG]

Aww sweety... we all have nights like that. I am SURE he's not getting ready to break up with you... but alcohol can really mess with our heads sometimes!

[Mike]

Maybe he's just a little jealous because of the violin player? Maybe?

[cdp]

Mike: Negative, unfortunately.

[Ally]

Aw, this post makes me sad for you. I've experienced similar drinking/talking too much/ruining a nice evening moments and then the reliving the next morning and beating myself up. Not fun.

And just a thought....sorry to get all serious and I realize I'm wildly conjecturing here, but I think one potential reason you could have these types of feelings is because you guys are playing house and combining lives with no commitment. You may be exclusively dating but that's really a small commitment when you think about all that you're sharing and investing in one another. Thus given that low commitment and high involvement/investment, it's highly likely that you're going to feel insecure, afraid, and wonder how he really feels, letting it bubble out sometimes. Our culture tells us we should be be able to walk this line of caring but not caring too much and living together without commitment, and I think it's a load of bull and unhealthy for most of us. /end rant Just a thought:)

[Michelle & the City]

i think we need to discuss said conversation with significant other. because i may have had the same one this weekend. insecure? me? psssh.

[inc]

Uggh. the only thing worse than getting drunk and talking too much is sobering up and thinking about it too much.

[Tina Vaziri]

Love the header! I'm sure he will forgive whatever you said, you two always look so perfect together. I know I have those moments too, when I think of something awful and can't stop myself before those thoughts come out of my mouth.

[Ashley]

I think it happens to all of us. My inner monologue definitely disappears after a few glasses of champagne. I wish it would disappear the next morning when i'm beating myself up but it happens and if you're relationship is strong enough it'll survive. I'm sure things'll work themselves out.

Thank you for the birthday wishes! Heart you! xoxox

[katelin]

Seriously, alcohol definitely made me say some things I didn't mean to this weekend too, damn you alcohol, damn you.

and i sort of love your new header :)

[Nilsa S.]

You had a hot date? Because I think your date had a hot date! You both look fabulous and adorable and even if you were in the last row of the balcony doing naughty things with that cherry, I'm sure the violinist would've still been distracted!

Sorry it got f'd up by life. If McD really knows you, he knows this is a part of you. And hopefully, regardless of the means, you'll both be able to move beyond whatever happened to mess the hot date up. Does that make you a hot mess?

[leigh]

I really only see this one way, it is that damn vino, I can't count how many times I have been in your shoes. UGH!! Yet I still love the crap.

Hope you have an awesome Monday Night.

[Trigger]

I just heart you. Sorry the vino caused some trouble. You've got a good heart, though.

[nicoleantoinette]

If I ever write a book, I might ask permission to steal the title of this post.

[tia]

oh girl. you crack me up.

seriously.

[Flat Coke and Flies]

Apparently you & I had the same conversations with our SO's while both having a bit too much to drink. I was told "if you can't judge your words better than THAT maybe you should just stop drinking!!!" lol I also got the "I've had it up to here!" speech--hand on his forehead. The next sentence was "when I've had it up to HERE I"M GONE!!!" pointing to above his head. I hope he has calmed down...maybe yours has too. Why did God create the feeling of insecurities? Some would say it comes from the dark side I suppose.

[libby]

hahaha seducing mr. first violin? cherries and black lace? he was probably thanking HIS lucky stars!! lol

[Stephanie]

I absolutely HATE when I do that. Say something, pick a fight, then want to KICK myself later for being such an ass. I know I'm a bit late here, but I hope that you guys have worked through everything since then!

[Princess Pointful]

#1- I would never dump you if I were McD because you are too deliciously hot.
(I'm just rollin' with the creepy!!!)
#2- We all do it. I need to learn to mute that inner monologue and stop the wine from making it spew out my damn mouth.

[Becky]

I was just reading about this phenomenon (where women feel insecure even in a relationship that they shouldn't) in a book called "For Men Only." There's one called "For Women Only" too - about men. They are both really good. I'm sure there's a better synopsis on Amazon than I can do, but basically they talk about some of the things that the opposite sex does that seems totally confusing to the other one. I was reading the "For Men Only" one and found myself going "Yah! That's EXACTLY how I feel."

Anyway, I thought they were pretty cool books, and they are short. I would highly recommend.